I’m still trying to figure that out.
I can tell you what it don’t look like.
I don’t look easy. Is it tolerable, yes, but not easy.
The world keeps spinning and you have to continue to move on, altough your entire world has shattered.
It’s hard to comprehend he is gone.
I miss him so much.
I catch myself wanting to call him to tell him something, then I remember I can’t.
Not crying every day, but still getting caught off guard and breaking down.
Remembering memories together that fill my heart and then suddenly they fill my eyes with tears, because the memories is all I have now.
Not deleting his voicemails, just so I can continue to hear his voice.
Talking about him to people who knew him and to those who didn’t.
Seeing Cintas everywhere and immediately thinking of him.
Taking a picture of it and sending it to my sister.
Wondering if it’s his way of saying “hello”.
Remembering the last week leading up to his final days.
He was happy, but also hurting.
I know he wouldn’t come back here if he even could.
The happiness and joy he’s experiencing, I wouldn’t want him to leave it.
I just hope he’s proud of me.
I wish he could see this version of me, doing life without him.
I thought I knew what it would feel like. But nothing prepares you for this heartbreak.
Loosing my Daddy, my constant support, my hearts home,
the man who has loved me forever…
the man who loved me more…
is so painful.
